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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Where The World Ends

2 I.am.a.disaster. (that already happened)

I went out to Camber a few days ago, in the beautiful March (?) sun. I love all the houses out there so much, they seem to cosy and wild, which I suppose is a contradiction but, being that close to the sea it might always be.

Anyway.

4 5

I've been thinking lately, like, really thinking. Direction and how my life is going and how my life is working out and how it all could have gone so wrong.

I think part of me is still stuck in the past, I struggle to see myself as the 25 year old I am, paving my way as an artist, a lover, a support assistant.

I struggle to see what Martin see's in me.

12 The other day, at work, stood outside having a crafty cigarette I was so shocked that it was 10 years ago that I was 15. TEN.YEARS.AGO.

Pardon. What now?

And what about all the things I've done, I moved 250 miles, I went to university and got a degree, I visited psychiatric facilities on a too frequent basis, I met so many people and loved so many people too.

I'm still standing, and all that past made me, me. In an attempt to be positive about myself, that isn't a totally terrible thing. I have a select group of friends, who I honestly could not do without, I love my family, I have a man in my life that says he loves me and he does so of his own volition.

9

I suppose, had you told me I'd be here by the time I was 25 I probably would have laughed, or cried at the sheer hopelessness of it all. I've never had much faith in myself, but maybe thats changing.

I have plans for this year and that excites me. I can move forward and take things in new directions. This.is.good. I do feel ever so slightly self-involved, this blog has drifted away from my usual splurge of art practice to photographs and rambling thoughts that never seem to make much sense to anyone but me.

Yet, the art I make comes from my life, from meeting people and having experiences and art + life are so tightly intwined sometimes, my favourite artists are artists that work with public and personal thoughts, feelings, dream, wishes and everything else. I want to share this though, as well as all my art ideas and photographs.

So onwards and upwards.

Hello, my name is Erin, and I don't always like myself, but maybe I'm not hating myself as much.

18

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