I aim to still be alive next week.
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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Unfinished

you suck erin veness I have so many unfinished artworks, that I really need to write proposals for, and then finish. I don't have the space to finish them to start with, let alone any of the other problems that I face with half finished artworks. (Mess, mess everywhere and I don't like it).

My more pressing issue though, is my portfolio, this is what I send out to prospective galleries, it's on it's eighth of ninth version and I still hate it. I am no graphic designer, I know photoshop, I know illustrator. I've drawn it out on paper, I've scoured other portfolios and still I cannot find a way to make mine look the way I want it to. I am a perfectionist, so this may be part of the problem. What I need to do is find a graphic designer to sit and help me, so I can learn subtle tricks. I know from past experience that there is a steep learning curve, it'll feel like I'm getting no-where for ages and then bam, I'm there. I'm just, frustrated.

I also need to remember to write about my work objectively and succinctly. I photograph my work well, I know this, and I can write about my work, it's just putting it all together as a document makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time.

I like to pretend I know what I'm doing with my life, I know I've discussed that I never planned this, and cars with petrol lights, I don't want to sound like a broken record either.

My career with those that require support is fulfilling, I love it when the guys I work with achieve or seem to flourish with my help and encouragement. My passion is not there though, my passion lays within something that continually disappoints and frustrates me. My passion lays with something that is not very forthcoming in fulfilment and that sense of achievement. Every.single.piece.of.work in my portfolio, at one point I thought was pretty good, looking back, I hate it all, and see no worth in anything.

Maybe everything just needs to

 

stop.

Then again, I should be positive and happy, I have had exhibitions, people do tell me they like my sculptures (do you, really? Excellent, thank you very very much). I have a degree under my belt, and awesome awesome relationship with a lovely lovely man. The weather has been sunnier and things are generally good.

I need to take my time, and have some patience, and maybe, dream a little bigger, darling.