Have you ever spoken at length with someone who has completely opposite views to you? Do you know how refreshing it is to have that type of conversation regularly? The topic isn't important when you're both being respectful and discussing ideas in an open and honest way. I love my friends, but when we all have fairly left-wing, liberal views; discussing politics, issues, can feel like a circle jerk sometimes, you know?
Do you know how easy it can be to walk away from someone you thought would be part of your future? Maybe I'm just good at leaving and maybe I'm good at it getting out of situations before I get hurt. Possibly I'm growing into my own self of worth and seeing what I deserve. There is a chance that how I want to conduct my life has changed and that's ok too.
Years ago now, when I was a different iteration of the Erin today, I found a love that would always be there, a simmering mess of feelings. At times it was everything to me and at others I'd run screaming from it. I'd fight for and reject it simultaneously. Then something changed, then old patterns repeated themselves. Then something changed again, and I took the stand to change this scene that keeps skipping and repeating. There is a horrible honesty to this love.
I am no stranger to love, I've loved in a variety of ways and a variety of people, be it a friendship or a relationship. What I have never grasped is how to love myself, as much time as I spend alone it doesn't mean I'm my own best friend.
For all that, I'm grateful. I'm glad that I've known what it is to love others and despise myself. I'm grateful for the negative aspects of my personality, they add colour to my life and an unrivalled passion. Even when I'm screaming pure hate down the phone, it's because I care and it's because I love.
I feel like I haven't done any art in a long time, I have ideas but I'm too scared to put them into practice. I monoprint like a woman possessed and then flounder, what do I do now? Piles of drawings of nameless faces sit staring at me and I'm lost.
I think about interactive installation and the stories we all have. I think about how life leaves its mark, as a scar, a bruise, a birthmark, a tattoo. The list is endless and all I can think is we're alive. I read Anais Nin and think about surrealism and dreams. Friends send me Carl Jung quotes and they fit. I have all these threads that could come together and I don't know how to bring them together.
I am stuck.
If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely. But loneliness is not necessarily inimical to companionship, for no one is more sensitive to companionship than the lonely man, and companionship thrives only when each individual remembers his individuality and does not identify himself with others.
Carl Jung; Memories Dreams and Reflections; Page 356.