It's been over a month since my kittens came into my life. Loosing Dave hit me hard, harder than I'd like to believe, yet now I have Steve and Brody about everything seems to make that little bit more sense, you know, the day they arrived I felt some normalcy slip into my being.
I grew up with cats, rabbits, an extraordinary amount of gerbils and horses. There have always been animals that seem to 'get me', I cried so hard when Jack the pony was sold from the riding school, the first male that truly broke my heart was a four legged animal. My heart is wide open for anything that is inanimate, or of animal nature. Truth is, people scare me too much.
I need to have such a strong control over my life, that I know I can never really let myself love anyone as much as they deserve, and that goes for my family, friends and Martin. I'm sorry, I just, I can't. Yet if you give me two little bundles of fur I pour my whole heart and soul into them, knowing that eventually they will break my heart, they will never live as long as me.
For someone who has such BIG control issues as myself, it's such a surprise I consistently screw up, and believe me, I can cringe about it all. There are so many people I need to apologise to, always, but I can't find the right words, I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough. I always feel a deep sense of sick-guilt, but I make the same mistakes again. These are the things I tell my kittens, and all the other sick-guilt-thoughts I have that I never tell anyone.
I always say I want to change, I'd like to think in some aspects I have, no longer do I drink ridiculously, and that is surely a bonus? I try to be nice to people, but so often I have foot in mouth syndrome. I need to think before I speak more. I'm spend so much time trying to perfect this image of myself that I live in a perpetual state of anxiety, sending my mind into high-drive-can't-concentrate.
I need to start righting my wrongs before time runs out. I sometimes get this feeling that if I don't make everything as ok as I can I'll die in my sleep, and that'll be it, and no-one will actually care.
I need to stop being so scared of showing my feelings and of being true to myself. Occasionally I will do something that is just so right for me that actually, no-one gets hurt, because it is the right thing. Other times maybe I'm just a selfish cunt.
When I feel bad I retreat like a wounded animal, and thats what I'm doing right now, just until I can sort out the mess that I have made, and worked out some new rules to live life by, so, so I don't know to be honest. All I'm doing is remembering every negative thing ever said about me, to me, and that's no-ones fault, it's mine for being sensitive, and mine for getting it wrong.
This isn't supposed to be sad, it's supposed to be positive, really, things are changing, for the better, and that is a good, exciting thing.