I'm up at 6.00am again, because of course I am. It's not like my body needs any sleep. Apparently.
I had something written for today, but that's been deleted and thrown because I can and I'm making the rules and it was miserable so I though "fuck that, lets write something else", also, I won't lie, the response I had from my last Sunday post was so good I figured I'd continue on the same theme.
Today I am back on the hustle, after spending all of yesterday between flaking out on the sofa or flaking out in my bed. Today I am scheduling tweets, replying to enquiries, I'm plotting and planning, and thinking and pinterest-ing. Today I am enjoying it, or at least, the vast majority of it. Yesterday the hills I had to climb seemed insurmountable. Yesterday it felt like no matter how hard I tried I wasn't going to get anywhere, or at least not without significant financial backing, because it does feel like that, so often. I know I mentioned it last week, but I feel it's worth touching on again.
I figured out a tagline, if you like "I'm just over here making the best out of my D3000". It's slightly tongue in cheek, I'm poking fun at myself on being unable to afford the latest full-frame mirrorless camera. Mostly though, it's true and something I feel need reiterating to myself, especially, time and time again. There is so much pressure to have the latest gear, and the only way I can achieve that is putting myself into a massive pile of debt. I'm already some £30,000 in debt to student loans, but I can't, no matter how much I want to, justify an extra £3k in debt. (That's buying a new camera body, and a new Macbook btw). Even then there will be people with better gear, more money to sink into their photography business.
It's something I ponder, do I buy the new equipment while working full time and shooting around my ridiculous schedule, or do I wait, and hope that eventually I can take my photography full time and then sink £3k into upgrading everything? And then there's everything else that I think about when thinking how to take my photography full time. Do I need to move to Brighton, or London, or another city to expand my client base? Do I need to learn to drive and buy a car, so I can shoot out in my favourite locations? Do I need to pay to promote posts on social media or can I hope and rely on the kindness of strangers sharing for me?
I can't help but wish I'd started all this business seven years ago, when I graduated university. (How time flies!) I like to believe that I wouldn't be in the position I am now, on the cusp of 30 trying to work out the intricacies of working for myself. Even at uni I was exploring my self and others through photography, and before then, at college, I always felt comfortable with the weight of the camera in my hands. It's hard to not beat myself up for not doing what, looking back, is glaringly obvious now. It's hard to not cringe at all the money wasted when I could have been doing so much more.
I have to remind myself that maybe the universe had a plan for me, that maybe I had to go through everything else before I got here. I remember writing artist statements for creating installations, gardens of paper flowers, that I wanted to create spaces for people to explore and spend some time in, it's only now that I'm kicking myself for not taking ~*aRTy*~ photos in these installations.
But that's all in the past and I am excited, today, to move forward, today I'm comfortable with the hustle as it means I'm working towards something, and that something feels good.
If you're local to Hastings, my artwork is now up at the Coastal Currents Arts Fair, it's for sale, and if you buy it I can promise you that that money won't be pissed up the wall, (although I can't say I won't buy a celebratory pint), it'll be going towards a new camera, or some other way of feeding back into making my wishes come true.