I aim to still be alive next week.
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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

The Dogs Ate My Face

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I wrote last year, or maybe the year before about personality, it's an embarrassing and clunky read, I won't link to it, but it is there, if you desire to search it out. Such a broad subject is difficult to write about and is always better to read about when the mind has found it's start, middle and end point.

I have always been fascinated by those (men, especially), that are self-contained, that are methodical and logical with deliberate movements, choices, words. Those that have a charm and a presence about them, those that are still. For years I mistook this fascination as a fear, a panic would set in when I thought of that stillness coming for me, as if stillness was synonymous with expiration. The thought would keep me up at night, and I could only describe it as this large, globular thing. Stillness was a thing to be avoided, yet I couldn't describe it, I couldn't isolate it, it is difficult to combat something that you cannot recognise.

Thinking back to my childhood, who around me was still and commanded such a presence in my life? I don't remember ever being very still-in-myself as a child and even less as an adolescent. I may be wrong, because we are prone to alter and contort our memories, but I feel I have always been driven by emotions that take control of my body and mind. Being still would mean accepting my emotions, feeling those emotions and not allowing that emotion to overtake me, and the thought of that has, and does, to some extent, still scare me. As if our emotions and the acts they influence are our life force, a passion that proves we are alive.

A life of passionate emotions is tiring, I know, I live(d) it. So many of my choices made in a spare of the moment, fight or flight, response. My behaviours dictated by my emotions, some terribly good, and some so miserable and embarrassing it's difficult to not feel sick at myself. The constant foot-in-mouth syndrome, and I-shouldn't-have-done-that feeling.

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I spent a year in therapy, in an attempt to teach me to be at one with my emotions. To feel, accept and be still. Almost a year since my last session and I am ready to take on board some of what I have learnt. I am prideful, and reject much of what is taught to me, especially when it is aimed at the lowest common denominator, ignorance. Above all other traits I value intelligence, I value learning, but when it is self-led. I can see links to how I feel now and what they tried to teach me, that I was full of contempt for at the time.

Is it possible to completely alter my personality to an extreme that has fascinated me, and attracted me? If my will is strong and true, with a known destination (a bulls eye), is it possible to complete that level of self improvement? Or is this just another in the long line of obsessional thoughts and behaviours around others, and my right or wrong perceptions of them? Personality, individuals and their carriage a constant interest of mine, is it right to want to change so drastically, or should I focus on trying to like the passionate, emotional me, who's arbitrary decisions cripple?

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For me, a new, improved version is something to be explored, a dressing room of life, seeing myself repeated for eternity in mirrors. To charm not with my insane ramblings and obvious lack of self control, but to be still, to enjoy, to live in that moment and not be fearful of it all crashing on top of me.

THOUGHTSErin Veness