Fine Art Photography



i have no idea what i'm doing anymore


The Chemicals Between Us


(Disclaimer:- I wrote this about a week ago before Little Steve went missing. I've rung all the vets, cat call, and gone hunting in gardens, yet there's been no sign of him.

EDIT: Saturday morning, 30th January, Little Steve came home and I cried tears of joy)

Brody: She's still in bed, should we wake her?

Steve: I don't think so, I cuddled up to her earlier, and sat on her for awhile. I think she might actually be awake.

B: But not moving? I might go lick some of her hair, do you think she knows we care?

S: She knows we care, I think she knows that a lot of people care for her, but that sometimes the weight gets too much, the world hurts her so she gives up for a day. It's not like we've not been here before.

B: I know, but I worry. Each time she lays there motionless I worry she'll not get up again, that she's lost all the fight.

S: She hasn't lost any fight, I think she's just recharging, like when she plugs her phone into the wall. We all need down time don't we? Like when you sit by the radiator, where the warm pipes go under the floorboards.

B: You sit there with me, don't go making sound like I'm a big fat lazy puss. It's a warm spot to sit if I don't fancy the pillows on the bed.

S: I wasn't calling you lazy, I was just making a point.

B: Yeah, yeah yeah.

S: I'll call you lazy if you really want?

B: This isn't supposed to be about me or you anyway. I am worried and you've ended up calling me fat, and lazy. Even if this is just a bad day, I still want her to know we care.

S: I know, I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm damned sure she knows we care. She knows many people care and that she's got a good life, which is why the bad days are bad, I think. She ends up feeling guilty that she feels rotten because she has so very little reason to feel rotten.

B: Oh, she's moving! Quick, follow her.

S: I think she's just going to the toilet.

B: So she is, still, lets go with her.

S: Why exactly are we sat here watching her go to the toilet?

B: To show we care. Oh cottonbud, must kill it.

S: Let me kill it, it's mine.

B: She's moving again. Running water in the sink, oh this is exciting!

S: Why is she staring into the mirror?

B: I don't know, she looks sad. She's investigating her skin again, pulling it and squeezing it. She knows this is why she ends up with such bad skin, doesn't she?

S: I think she's fully aware but can't find a way to stop herself. You realise she bled on me the other day from picking at her fingers? I try to lay on her so she can stroke me instead of pulling her fingers apart but she's a fidget.

B: Except today, today she is not a fidget. I think she's going back to bed. I need the toilet actually. I'll be back in a minute.

S: Brody, there's strange cats in our garden again. I might have to go out and chase them away, I'll puff myself up so I look a bit bigger.

B: You couldn't look bigger if you tried, Little Steve. Which one is it?

S: It's what Erin calls 'Ginger Puss Mark 2', the knob from next door that wants to move in.

B: Tell him to bugger off

S: I'm going outside to chase him off, this is my home, that is my owner laying there in bed. Those are my white sheets. This is my kingdom.

B: Hold up everyone, we've got a badass over here.

S: Don't take the piss, what happened to your concern over Erin laying in bed past lunchtime?

B: You reassured me, and when I jumped up onto the pillows she opened an eye and looked at me, and she didn't look so sad, just tired. We can all appreciate feeling tired at times, can't we? Even if we don't understand feeling rotten to the core, even if we don't take to our beds all day, we can still relate.

S: Certainly, and maybe we all need a little more humanity at times.

B: That's not the word you're looking for, but I know what you mean. It's one of those trite one liner things isn't it? "Everyone has a battle to fight" or something. The only reason it's a cliche is because it's true? I vaguely remember Erin telling me about cliches, what was it she said?

S: "I'm a single white female, of course I've got cats"

B: That was it! She does love us, doesn't she?

S: Very much, I'm almost a celebrity on instagram with the amount of photos she takes and shares of me.

B: Don't be stupid.

S: Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating.

B: Maybe?

S: Point taken. Anyway, I was going to go give her a cuddle and have a nap on the bed. I am so grateful for her Dad buying her the new duvet and pillows. That bed is so soft.

B: Well you might have the bed to yourself, it looks like she's getting up.

S: See, I told you, she's fine, she'll be fine. She's a fighter.

B: I know. Just sometimes I worry. I'm going to go have a snack, don't go tripping Erin up. I know you like getting under her feet.

S: I won't. I think I'm just going to nap on the bed, it's been a long morning, and you've worn me out.

B: I've worn you out? You've worn me out.

S: I'm napping now Brody.

B: Sleep well

S: You too.