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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

The Boney King Of Nowhere

the boney king of nowhere.png

Unless I really want to do something, you'll have a hard time making me. It used to be that I'd wheedle myself out of whatever it was I said I'd do. I'm better at releasing myself from the invisible ties to Do Things now. My public appearances are less, I've never been a fan of activities that I'm expected to have a Good Time at. I rarely spend time with more than four people at once and it feels good. These days you are more likely to persuade me to a social gathering if you tell me I'll have the worst time. None of this enforced fun and people to please, it's much easier and I am much happier.

I'm listening to Marilyn Manson, The Golden Age of Grotesque and it's reminding me of being fifteen in all the best ways.

There was a point to this.

That point is, that at 28(?!) I've found that if I make a conscious effort to do something, I fall on my face. Well, this isn't quite true, but many things that have stuck have been the things that have just happened naturally. This isn't to say that I haven't tried to help myself, of course I have.

With the help of therapy and medication and better life choices I don't self harm anymore. I don't drink so much, and when I do I don't get roll-on-the-floor-stupid drunk. 

My fun these days is far more wholesome and family friendly, who'd have thought it? Do you know what I do on my days off now? I play, I photograph and I even clean the carpet. I am a really good tenant. I re-pot my ridiculous collection of plants and fall asleep on the sofa. My life has, for all it's rock'n'roll and disastrous beginnings become quite homely. 

But on the other hand. I'm still not always happy. I still struggle, recently too, with getting out of bed, with bursting into tears because of absolutely nothing. I still feel quite impressively shit far too often for my liking. 

I may not be careering straight into a brick wall anymore, but, I do still feel the sadness crushing my chest. It still hurts to breath sometimes and I have an inkling that that may be something I will never shake.

I know that you're never supposed to compare your life to others, but if someones else's happy is 100% mine is 60%. It feels, with regularity that my baseline mood is always, and will always be lower. That for all the medication in the world, I will never get a glass full, because the day they were handing out the water I was stuck staring at a wall.

It could be that in a past life I was a Very Bad person. It could be a collection of really crap genes from my parents and their parents and so on. It could be that this is the first time my soul has had to be a person. It could be that the electric energy that runs through my brain decided to not just work.

I like to think like this, with no real end point, and I like to think that if I only ever started with half a glass, that that half a glass is good. For this moment at least, and it doesn't matter the person I was, or the person I could of been, because I am the person I am with a dash of sugar in her half glass.

Y'know?

THOUGHTSErin Veness