I went to the Coastal Currents opening part on Friday, I say went, in reality myself and the manfriend rocked up about half nine with tins, had a look around and left. It felt like being at the weird uncle's awkward wedding. Coastal Currents normally has such wonderful opening parties, they're full of fun, art and good vibes. Friday was just plain odd.
Anyway that's neither here nor there really. Today I took my print for the art fair down. It's one of the images I took of Lily and is for sale, framed and everything. That's rather exciting isn't it? I really struggled to pick an image and to price it. I doubt anyone is surprised by this, I have so little self belief at times that it's actually comical.
But this weekend has been full of photographs and so will tomorrow and that leaves me feeling warm and happy inside. I've been teaching myself new tricks in photoshop too. Learning!
Recently a few people have commented, asking me if I'm drawing or printing. It's almost as if they do not see the creative value in my photography, which feeds into my own lack of belief. It makes me sad too, because I personally find my photography stronger than any drawing I ever did. I enjoy coming up with concepts and ideas, I am enthused by editing. For the first time since graduation I feel that my ideas are not, respected, I suppose. That it is just a photograph and anyone could take it.
Has there always been this hierarchy of talent? That drawing, painting is somehow harder than photographing and editing? Do people believe that the camera does all the work and I'm just pressing a button? Recently when someone has expressed disdain at my photography I've felt the need to hand them my camera, tell them to go try to take a photograph. That they should sit, sifting through their dreams that could be developed into concepts.
I sound angry I think, or bitter, but in reality I just don't have the energy to defend what I'm doing to friends, especially not when it digs into the very things that I struggle most with. I have enough time defending myself in front of the photography community.
It feels that to get ahead as a photographer you need a certain camera, a decent computer (my macbook is very much on it's last legs, my camera a D3000). I see people, when I arrive to take photos eye my camera up, it's not as big or flashy as others, but unless someone fancies giving me £1000 for a new one, I have to work with what I have.
This all teaches me to be resourceful though, to ensure correct exposure, focus, white balance. I have to practice and listen to both myself and my environment. I have to know where the light is, the shadows, I feel my way through like a murky pool to create photographs that feel like I do in that moment. I sit, after, in lightroom and photoshop trying to bring my ideas closer, editing carefully to bring my images to the best they can be.
It's all just a whinge though. I am not the only person to feel this, of that I am certain. I document my feelings that 100's of others have had in a vain attempt to relate and be accepted. It's all rather pointless though, I'd prefer to let my pictures speak for themselves.