I'm terrible at feeling like I belong. Especially in large groups of people where my thoughts are wired to be concerned over what everyone thinks of me, do I look fat? Do they think I look fat? Is my laugh really as annoying as I think it is? Are they judging my diction, are they judging me? The answer is no, no-one is thinking that much about me, no-one cares that much to think that heavily over if my mascara has run or any of the other trivial things I'm concerned about. I blog predominantly because I want to belong, but these few days I don't really want to. Everything is so terrible and worrying the world now, planes being shot(?) out of the sky, we have an education secretary that voted against gay marriage. Female Genital Mutilation is still a thing. A girl was raped in Bexhill, and so violently too.
Why would I want to belong to any of this? I feel it, I carrying around this feeling that everything is wrong and nothing is ok, my anxiety is spiking constantly, which in turn reflects into everyday life. Everyone hates me, and for good reason, someone is going to poison me, etcetc. I need to remind myself that I'm not actually that important.
I can never keep every part of my life going really well at once, something always suffers because of my mood or my feelings, if it's not my relationships, it's my work, if it's not eating and sleeping it's something else that I'm failing to keep well and good. The only guarantee I can give you is that I take my medication properly and I am trying. Trying really hard.
Trying isn't always enough though, not really.
I got to therapy, I own the responsibilities when I realllly fuck up, but I need to change and soon. I need to stop feeling so hurt by the worlds, and scared of it too.
Yet, I can't stop feeling affected by all these awful things happening in the world, I don't want to. I'm a big believer we should be somewhat aware of things that are a-happening. I just never know what to do about these things I actually despise.
I could blog, I could campaign, but when it's all hurting me too much and making me want to cry, I lose my eloquence and a blubbering mess is never going to really help the cause. I feel so, useless and insignificant, and anything I could do could really help someone.
I think most of it is about having the strength to look the worst of human nature in the face and say, I'm going to challenge this, I'm going to help change this, without crying all over the place about it. &Those of you that do that, I'm in awe, we need more people like you, and maybe one day I'll get there, and I can stand tall and enable others to use their voices.