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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

On Sadness

It takes 1hr 45mins to get to London and costs £23.00. The train I travel on repeatedly tells me the next stop is High Brooms, even as we pull into London Bridge. 
The sky is overcast and there is a man further up the train trying to catch my eye. He smiles at me repeatedly and it feels creepy rather than friendly. I am absent-mindedly picking an imperfection on my cheek when it occurs to me to take my phone out and record this moment.

I've been sad lately. Despite all my practice at it, I'm not any better at being sad. I've not been attempt-suicide sad (lets be grateful for small mercies) but I have been prone to tears and isolation. Logically I know isolation is the last thing I need but there we go, no one ever said mental illness was logical.

When I think about talking about it, reaching out to friends or even blindly tweeting about it I've shied away. I'm much happier advocating for others rather than admitting that what I need is people to be gentle, to be nice to me. Niceness goes a long way.

I can't help but feel that BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder still has so much stigma attached to it. Maybe part of me, in my malaise is playing the victim. Depression and anxiety are terrible things, a month or two I walked into work with such fear, unfounded of course, but I felt sick, convinced that I'd done something wrong, that I was in big trouble. I wasn't, but I could openly walk into the office and speak to colleagues about that - they understood. They got it.

People don't really understand identity issues, or behaviours linked in to BPD. Sometimes it feels like there is a fear from others that the crazy, the suicide attempts might rub off on them. Because to be understood you have to have the right type of mental illness. The 'good' mentally ill person. I say that, or maybe I'm just not a very nice person. Maybe I don't come across very well when it's just text based. I don't know, I can only work with what I know, and sometimes I don't know very much.

But please, don't think I am allowing the sadness to take over, I'm trying to be kind to myself, eating what feels right, stretching more, reducing my overtime and letting myself sleep when I need to. I'm not necessarily very good at this, and I am aware that I am only being gentle with my body while still mentally beating myself up.

Wether I add my voice to the many that speak to eloquently on mental health is neither here nor there, I suppose. I'm just sitting here saying that I am sad and I have no reason to be.

I made a playlist, it might not make any sense but they're songs that are in my head.

THOUGHTSErin Veness