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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

On Life Lately #1

I'm leaking again, and if that doesn't sound disgusting then I think you and I might be on the same wave length. I'm one of those people that projects my mood encompassing everything and influencing others. At the age of 27 (28?) I have still not found a way to stop it.

It's raining and that means that my windows get a bit of a freshen up, a bit of a clean. I listen to Gary Numan and Marilyn Manson. I sit here trying to find the words that will allow you to relate to me.

In all honesty, I've got nothing.

I managed to pull two prints out recently. One worked, one didn't. Everything is a metaphor for my life if you look close enough.

The truth of right now is that I'm taking more anti-depressants than I did when I was in hospital these days and my mood keeps dropping. I'm at the point where I'm considering a referral back to the mental health team or asking my doctor to look for something physical. I'm clutching at straws questioning if there is something physically wrong with me, I know this, I know; but when all the pills I am taking aren't quite cutting it I can't help it. I'm sat here scared of failing but still failing because I'm not doing anything. It's not a paradox or a quiz.

I do have good days, but I'm greedy and want more of them.

As Richard Stein once said, 'She has maggots in her brain'. One day I'll do something with that quote. One day.

I feel selfish in sharing this emotion, these words. There is no altruism here. I want friends and family to get it and just leave me in peace and trust that I'll come back better. I want random internet strangers to reach out and say they understand and they get it and it's ok. I want to write this feeling down and burn it until I feel better. I want, I want. I'm exhausting I know.

I want to see the fruits of my labor returned, and don't we all? No-one wants to keep trying without seeing results, we set goals, achievable, measurable targets to ensure that we know we're getting it right and we're moving forward.

My psychologist from STEPPS told me once that I was a maverick, maybe she was trying to make me feel better, maybe she was trying to reach out to me somehow. It stuck with me though, and now it's all I remember.

THOUGHTSErin Veness