I aim to still be alive next week.
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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

NUMB

(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is me)

I remember the songs, feeling like I had someone talking to me and me alone.

I remember years of self harming. I remember cutting my legs so badly that the tights I had to wear to school stuck to the still bleeding wounds.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

"Somewhere I belong"

Last week the news broke that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park had completed suicide. At the age of 41 he left behind 6 children and a family that loved him. And countless fans felt it too.

I felt it.

It's no secret I've not been 100%. If you follow me on twitter then you'll know, you'll have seen. Maybe. I have a weird relationship with music, sometimes it works for me and other times it really doesn't. On Friday I listened to Linkin Park's back catalogue and felt 15 year old me come screaming into the room with me.

I don't want her here with me, but I take my time to really look at the Erin I once knew and all I can see is her self harm and her hurting and I want her gone, but in this moment I feel like I need to remember.

There's very little I can say, I just have a feeling, a mood that needs to come out of me, but I don't want to give anyone this feeling. This pervasive sadness that consumes. You don't deserve it, and maybe I don't either. But I'm here and it's all I seem to have these days. I haven't found a way to lose the big black dog successfully, maybe you can?

Each song, from Hybrid Theory to Minutes to Midnight has something, an event that shaped me attached to it. I remember listening to songs on repeat, could they hear me screaming back?

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again

I think of other songs, of other bands that mean something to me and none of them have quite the same effects that Linkin Park did. I think much of that, now, is my own memories, my own nostalgia that I hang on the albums like coats.

They remind of a time I'd prefer to forget. and whats most fun is I still dislike the same songs and I still remember each lyric. I still remember the old me.

 

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again

It's here I'll say these words now, that blogging isn't working for me. 

It feels, more often than not, that no-one is listening. No-one is caring and I don't know why. It's heartbreaking at times to try and fail. I feel like I'm failing a lot regularly. But I won't pretend to be someone I'm not, (or at least I'll try my hardest not to).

It's sad when the fruits of your labours are not sweet, and I'm not the only one to feel like this, I know.

I want to do well, I want to show the best sides of me but that seems impossible. But hi, I'm here and I'm writing and I'm still going because I don't want to give up, despite the evidence saying I should. 

It's a journey that has no end, there are things I need to do, there are things I need to work on and I'm trying. I'm reminding myself of me and I'm reminding myself that things did get better, at one point, and they will again. That if I shout loud enough maybe something will click.

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

 

Lyrics all from Linkin Park, in order:

  • Somewhere I Belong - Meteora
  • Lying From You - Meteora
  • Easier To Run - Meteora
  • Breaking The Habit - Meteora
  • Figure.09 - Meteora
  • Breaking The Habit - Meteora
THOUGHTSErin Veness