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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Not Thinking

There is a lot to be said for not thinking sometimes. Just going out, drinking too much, dancing like an idiot, smudged make-up and penchant for "just one more". Just occasionally it's a really good idea to drink until the early hours of the morning. I so very rarely do just let go and truly enjoy myself. I have to say that the other night was wonderful, I felt accepted, I felt loved (which is a rarity). There's that moment, where you just think this is it. Blurry photos do the moment no justice, and even the day after, waking up bundled on my floor, a web of legs, arms, the stench of too many cigarettes and spilt cider was absolutely ok. I often hold myself to such a high standard, where I need to be better. Shouting at myself that I'm not perfect and I never will be. This view that I am so terrible and wrong gets forgotten in moments like this, I am almost comfortable and can wear my skin with a degree of certainty. This is me. Scars and everything else. I think I need to remember that I can enjoy myself, not every moment needs to be mad productive thing, that a night out with the best people ever is sometimes required, in order to feel almost-human and part of real-world. That actually, it's ok to have a hangover once in awhile, that doesn't make me a terrible person. I'm 25, not 5-fucking-2, being young and relishing the fact that I am lucky enough to be able to go out, and socialise with friends should be part of my life. I need to stop hiding myself away.

I do know the best people, my friends are all really beautiful people, through and through. Every time I fall they are there to help me pick up the pieces of my tattered life, and find a new path. They accept me for who I am, without ever asking anything of me that is ridiculous. Each of them brings such a special and awesome quality to my life that I thank my lucky stars that I can be blessed enough to call them my friends. I don't need mountains of people in my life, the five BEST FRIENDS EVER are exactly that, my best friends, there is no ranking order, they all deserve gold stars for looking after me.

I am not always the easiest person to know, I know this, I'm so full of self doubt and loathing that it permeates, I'm pretty damn sure I feel like a negative presence.  But maybe, maybe I'm not always. Moving through life we grow, a pulsating energy that learns, and slowly I'm learning to be happier, and more confident in my own life, and you know what?

My friends, those of you I know and those of you that I don't (obviously in the form of blog readers, HI YOU GUYS), are helping in their own ways, without realising it. Thank you.

Things, THOUGHTSErin Veness