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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Never Never (Conscious Living)

My life right now sounds like this song. It's slightly dirty and reminds me of late nights and being naughty.

They were my first boyfriends favourite band, they might still be. I should ask but sometimes there are more important things to talk about. Sometimes it's all about going drink-for-drink and just enjoying being (and terrible dancing).

The other night my (old) neighbour came down and knocked on my door asking me to padlock him inside his flat. I questioned him about it, but he was adamant, and so I did. As difficult as it has been at times living beneath my neighbour, I'm going to miss him.

I keep waking up covered in pen or paint. Listen, copic markers take days to wash off.

I know there is a big movement for conscious living, or maybe it's just a fancy name for taking the bull by the horns but sometimes the best things happen when I don't think about them too deeply. I know how to analyse and reflect, I spent three years at university doing it. I like to listen to my instincts and if something feels good I'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't and not worry too much.

I do, though, regularly reflect on my life a year, two, three, ten years ago and the person I am. I wonder what young Erin would have thought of adult Erin, it's important to me that she would approve and I don't know why. I've missed writing a whole bunch of honesty here, and I don't know why I stopped. Maybe living got in the way? Or maybe I believed that people didn't care about the life of a small town woman.

You know what though? I love Hastings, I love the badass people I know and I love the life that I have. I love that there's no pretentious bullshit or conscious living crap. We're rough round the edges and fairly filthy most the time, we draw on street signs and vomit in gutters, we wake up with hangovers and make up on our pillow cases and we care about each other. The only filter we regularly use is the one through our sunglasses, smiling at each other and remembering how lucky we are.

We look good and debauchery looks good on us (but don't think we're all a bunch of mindless alcoholics, because we're not). We're not led by fashions or trends, we're led by community and being a halfway decent person. We're led by creativity and pushing boundaries. I couldn't want for a better place to be, physically and mentally.

Have you ever had a person that was there at times and then one day you actually see them? Do you know what I mean? Like ships passing at night until one, or both of you, turns on a light. When you discover that you've been in the same place so many times but just missed each other. In a small town such as Hastings I'm always so amazed when this happens.

I don't know what the future holds and I'm fairly uninterested in waxing lyrical about it, so I'll say this: I like this and I like where I am. I love my life, and I think I'm finally starting to like myself too.

CONSCIOUS LIVING

THOUGHTSErin Veness