Artemis (Love To Me)
Artemis, of Greek Mythology was the daughter of Zeus and Leto, twin sister of Apollo. As soon as Artemis was born, she helped her mother give birth to her twin brother, thereby becoming the protector of childbirth and labour.
I slept most the day away yesterday. My heart felt heavy and my head hurt and so it made sense to curl beneath the duvet with the sun coming in through the window. The kittens kept me company in fitful, dream-filled sleep. I'm easily suffocated, and that's how I feel these days. I need to change something, but I don't know where to start.
I think about death a lot. I'm not sure if that's because of my past mental health history, or because at times, when I'm at work, I can feel death peering over my shoulder and quietly asking if it's time. I reply that no, this moment is not right and this person still has so much to give. I cradle their souls in my minds eye and hope that whatever comes next is not painful. That, if it's at all possible, it is full of light. I hold hands as they fight for their next breath, I feel their fear through the pulse in their wrists.
I wish I could say "It'll be ok".
I ate an Orange while walking home the other day. I dutifully collected the peel in my pockets. At one point a bit of pith that I'd carefully dissected flew from my fingers in the wind. I turned to watch it and honestly thought about chasing this piece of pith that only I would notice. Eventually it settled on the ground some 100 yards from where I had come. I debated walking back to collect it before deciding that if it wasn't eaten by a seagull it would degrade soon.
If it makes me guilty of littering, then I hold my hands up.
Not only was Artemis the goddess of the hunt, she was also known as the goddess of wild animals, wilderness, childbirth and virginity. Also, she was protector of young children and was know to bring and relieve disease in women. In literature and art she was depicted as a huntress carrying a bow and arrow.
Whenever I've been eating Oranges, the kittens avoid me. I call them kittens but they're over a year old now. Cats don't like the smell of citrus fruits. I don't know why and I'm not interested enough to google it. I get home and lay on the bed, the cats coming over for cuddles before smelling the Orange that lingers on my hands, they wrinkle up their faces and run off.
Sometimes it makes me laugh and other times my mind says that the citrus smell is just an excuse.
Artemis never had any love affairs, but one. That was with the mortal Orion. Artemis was in love with Orion. However, upset that his sister's time and attentions had been diverted away from him, the God Apollo, her twin, became very jealous. So when Orion was swimming far into the ocean Apollo made a wager with Artemis that she couldn’t hit the floating object on the horizon.
In just over a month it'll be a year since I experienced death up close and personal. I've never really spoken about it, apart from a vague blog entry at the beginning of this year. It's something that I wanted to keep to myself. The death hit me hard, having never had a death so close to me that wasn't furred with four legs.
Although I've alluded to missing her, I've never said it. I do. I miss her so damned much. Every time I sit down to write a blog post she pops into my mind. My fingers want to type a million words about how beautiful and how wonderful and how loved she was. I'm torn between wanting to share everything and wanting to share nothing about it. Grief is a strange feeling to me, and on questioning my Psychiatrist about how to grieve, he basically told me I'd have to find my own way, that even in the business of dealing with emotions there is no 'right way'.
Last week I mentioned being consumed with how I appear, and that hasn't gone away. On Tuesday I took clothes and books to a charity shop. I thought about how some people see donating things as such a good thing. When really, it just makes sense. Iiiiiiii don't know. I'm over thinking things, and that's unhelpful all round.
Artemis being the prideful archer she was took the wager gladly and proudly drew her bow and shot the object on the horizon winning the wager. However once she won she realized that the “floating object” was actually her only lover Orion. In her great grief the Goddess Artemis turned Orion into various stars and shot him into the night sky, making him a constellation in the night sky forevermore.