I aim to still be alive next week.
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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

But Home Is Nowhere

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Have you ever had a situation that you desperately want to share with the world while simultaneously hiding it away and forgetting about it?

It's the wanting to rid myself of thoughts, feelings and experiences that are not providing anything positive, and for once I can't see the lesson to be learned from this. I see it as this big black pile of detritus with very little point.

It's just all rubbish. Really rubbish.

I generally side with the left, the liberal. I'll respect your right to have an opinion and to share that opinion too. I'll respect that you are an individual who has their own view of the world that is a complete opposite to mine. I'll respect and help support you in your autonomy, and I don't generally expect it back.

I'm a big believer that sometimes you need to complain about someone for no other reason than they've irked you more than is deemed polite. If you want to sit and dissect someones character, to assassinate their self-esteem that is your prerogative, it's not an activity I'd chose to take part in, but if it makes you feel good I'll always support you to do that. Sometimes you need to go and say a million words that mean nothing to allow you to move forward and forget the bad.

That is, unless you're doing it in ear-shot of the person who's character you are tearing apart. Then it's not cool. You wouldn't like it if it were done to you, so you don't do it to others.

The only time my liberal views are challenged are when I see, when I come across individuals being deliberately cruel. It's unnecessary and hurtful and you all knew this already. In a world where we're encouraged to be in competition with each other, we don't need to become nasty too.

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I'm a difficult person to know, and I'm difficult to be friends with. I have lists everywhere on things I want to work on, things I need to work on. I especially struggle when confronted with face to face interactions.

Sometimes I feel incredibly rude asking you questions, if you wanted me to know you'd tell me, wouldn't you?

Sometimes I'm petrified to see my friends, and I can't tell you why, there is no reason.

I'm driven by a heightened anxiety and sedatives that knock me sideways. The world is a mess of highs and crashing and burning; of situations that I don't know how to act, I never really know how to act, I just try to make the best of it all. I quite often fail.

I don't know what I'm doing these days, I don't know who I am and I'm so lost, so fucking lost. I feel like the world is slipping away from me and I don't know how to fix it, I never know how to fix it. I'm not surprised. I have great intentions but they fall short, I'm always falling short.

Sometimes we have defining moments that we don't realise are defining moments until we're long past them, when we have a distance from an event we can become detached and critical in a healthy way. I don't think ruminating is going to get me anywhere.

Somewhere out there something is trying to teach me something, but I haven't felt like this in over 10 years and that young girl doesn't fit with the person I am today. I don't know how to fit her into my life, and I don't want to either. She is in the past for a reason. The person I am today took the good parts from that girl and transformed them to the person I am today.

If the universe is trying to test how far I've grown, I'm not impressed.

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