Have you ever noticed that when you're positive all your interactions become positive? Really do feel free to roll your eyes and say "Well, dur Erin, where have you been?"
It's proper tiring hating yourself. It's hard-work trying to change negative behaviours that have been stuck since the age of dot. But, no-one said life was ever going to be easy, and to think that it is a prerequisite is a little arrogant. In the prophetic words or Chuck Palahniuk,
“Sometimes your best way to deal with shit is not to hold yourself as such a precious little prize.”
I should probably promote better self-esteem, but it's hypocritical of me to say "Believe in yourself" when I clearly don't. Or, I give the impression I do, but I don't. I'm slowly learning to realise, that for me, I don't need to believe in myself an awful lot to achieve, which is concerning in part, if I did believe in myself, what would I achieve? Lets not think about that though, wasted attainment makes me uneasy.
Back to the original point though, when I feel better, suddenly my interactions with my support worker (Hi Mel!), my friends (Hi Pickles, Bex, Duke, Alfie, Mike) and Martin (Hiiiiiii) improve dramatically. When I do feel good, I want to hand it out in nicely wrapped little parcels and share it around.
Quite often my emotions are topped up by other people, I'm like a leech. Absorbing feelings and using them to fuel my own, when the people around me are wired, I pick up their energies and pass them along on their merry way. This is when part of me might be able to admit that, actually, I'm an alright person.
"That's alright. There's nothing to forgive."
"You're very gracious."
"It's a part of my job." Her discomfort grows.
"No. It's a part of you."
Some Things Are Better Left Unplugged, Vincent W. Sakowski
I found these images the other day, taken by Cathrine Ertmann, About Dying, and it made me remember I am alive, I am breathing, even when it feels like I'm not. It's Alright To Bleed by That Tiny Website and The Art of Un-Doing + Why Less is the New More by Nourish. Also, on heavy feels is 269 by AndThisIsWhyI'llDieAloneSurroundedByCats