Feels Like Sunday

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I meant to write yesterday, but I went to bed Saturday night with a headache that I woke up with Sunday, so after drinking my body weight in water and not shifting the headache I gave up and went back to bed about eleven am. Nothing like a productive day of sleeping, ay?

Today it's raining and the shoot I was supposed to be doing has been cancelled because of said rain. I understand, I do, but when all I want to do is take photographs it's frustrating. I saw a tweet the other day that mentioned the frustrations of having a plan and an idea of where you want to be but not being able to get there for *reasons*. I get that. I can't force people to pay me to take their photo, but I wish I could. I can't force people to sponsor me or buy prints (HINT HINT), but I can advertise these things. Not that I'm very good at that, I've spoken before about how it makes me feel dirty.

Anyway, I'm going to try pushing bookings for September and beyond. 

In other news, the idea I spoke about last week, of photographing the homeless and street drinkers has already fallen flat on it's face. There were a group of three street drinkers hanging out outside C.A.B the other day, and when I approached them and asked if I could take their photo they promptly told me to fuck off. Pleasant. I want to ask because I don't want to fall into the habit of taking photos of people without their permission, but still. Maybe what I need to do is set two days a month aside to drink and get to know these individuals first, I'm pretty sure the pictures will be better for it.

And I know this will be the case, how do I know? Because the latest shoot I did with Grace was seamless, the photos are good and the concept worked beautifully. Thats what you get for working regularly together for about a year. 

I'm not going to talk about my #Create365 here, or now, I'll create a standalone blog post for that because I have thoughts and feelings and ideas that would take away from this weekly navel-gazing.

I suppose with the day the way it is I should take the time to update and promote my internet presence. That doesn't inspire me though, and the idea of spending all day in front of my laptop listing and re-sizing is less than thrilling. I'm whinging, I'm sorry, it's 6.42 though, surely I'm allowed? 

But throughout everything else, I am so lucky and I have such lovely friends. The early hours of Saturday morning were not a great time for me, I won't go into detail, thats unimportant, suffice to say that my mood was incredibly low. I came out of it though, with the distractions and love of close friends and for that I am so thankful for. Because thats what they don't tell you about living with mental illness, that you will have moments completely out of the blue that make you want to throw everything away and blow your self to nothingness. These moments, although at times few and far between (if you are lucky), are just as terrible as the first time they happened. The familiarity I have with suicidal feelings has not made it easier, in fact, I would push that in someways the familiarity makes it worse. That I am in this place again, that these feelings have not yet gone for good.

That's all that life is though, isn't it? A handful of moments and some are awful and some aren't. And, I'd like to believe, there's a beauty in the wonderful and a beauty in the breakdown.

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