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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Erin Veness Is Dead

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erin-is-dead

There are so many things tugging at my heart strings currently. There are things that make me angry and make me sad and all I can do is sit in stunned silence and listen to Scroobius Pip on repeat.

I'm not even sure where to start, there are things that seem inconsequential and there are things that absorb my waking thoughts like a virus. I contemplate language, especially with the refugee crisis. I had to check the dictionary, the media intent on interchanging the words 'migrant' and 'refugee'. People make me feel stupid when I'm sat there questioning why those fleeing the violence in Syria are described as migrants. I feel the massive shift between the political left and the political right and realise that maybe, there aren't as many of us on the left as I thought. I listen to Amber Rudd, my local MP and the home secretary announce that companies should create lists of migrant workers and all I think is, "How can this be right?" Granted there is always the chance that this idea won't go ahead, but how can you stand in front of a country and think this is a good idea?

erin-is-dead2I listen to Donald Trump at work at four am. I am astounded how a man can have so many people believe the hate that froths forth from his mouth. His ignorance is scary, there is no linguistic aplomb here. Those that follow Trump and his ideals seem equally as ignorant and I can't help but question a school system that can churn out such vitriolic views. But I am not American and I don't know the ins and outs.

What I do know though, is that the UK care system is wrong and screwed and heartbreaking. I had a days training and couldn't keep quiet, I am my own worst enemy. I then let out my frustrations on twitter and lost followers. How can people not care about the vulnerable in society? Then I remember that so much of the press has many of us fighting for the last bit of cheese while others hoard the cow. They asked for their misfortune, obviously so many of us are not trying hard enough because otherwise we'd be succeeding.

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I'm not one to ask for a gold star for the work I do, and I don't expect anyone to be particularly fascinated by the little moments of my day. My job isn't fashionable and it isn't glamourous, but I don't care about that. I don't care what you think, but I do and I wish you could see what I see. I wish that once you'd seen what I see, you too wanted to fight to change it.

Outside of work, I'm too tired and too scared to take steps that I want to and need to for my own growth and for my future. I work 60 hours a week to allow me the financial freedom to move forward but then end up rooted to the spot waiting for the self belief to pick up that pencil, that pen, and to do what I know I need to do.

But this isn't supposed to sound sad, I'm not sad, but I am tired of not just the world but the little battles that I attempt to win everyday. I'm reminded of a conversation with my best friend, when we discussed not just big ideas and big plans for the next few years, but the little goals we achieve everyday. Today I stepped forward and today I achieved a little more.

Anyway, how're you?

THOUGHTSErin Veness