I aim to still be alive next week.
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i have no idea what i'm doing anymore

 

Bury Your Head

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When I am ever so slightly overtired my mind becomes a hive. I think in abstracts and I think about space. I think about my space and the space I seek in inhabit. I think about spaces online and if they can ever have a concrete, tangible existence.

I have mentioned in passing how I am aware of how far this internet space reaches, it is not the nameless numbers I am concerned of offending, but those closest to me. Those that can, and may, judge some of the murkier moments of my past and present, but it's these exact moments that take up space in my mind. The words taste like acid on the tip of my tongue but I am restricted. I am scared to be seen as something, or someone shameful.

Historically it has been women that tell the stories. Stories of life and living that can teach, that have morals. Stories that have, at times become more fanciful with each telling. Stories that have enchanted and enthralled. These stories have documented how the world has moved and changed, these are the stories that need shouting. It's the dirtier and darker stories that I want to share. It's the dirtier and darker stories though, that could cast me in a bad light.

When women are expected to conform to a set role, to discuss things that may be outside of that role has the ability to make a harlot of the story teller. To embrace sexuality and autonomy whilst rejecting societies norms means that we're sticking our head up above the parapet and chancing a shooting. And I'm still a lot more conservative than many others.

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I am acutely aware that like breeds like, and those that I surround myself with in life and online have similar views to myself. We believe in ourselves and we are creative. We accept and embrace the various facets of our personalities with jubilation. But there are many that don't.

There are still so many antiquated and damaging views that circulate. There are still so many women and men out there with stories that need to be told. The dragons may look different but they still exist. It's these stories I want to listen to and I want to give space to. It's these stories I want to tell and it's these stories that deserve documentation. I want the truth and candid words or I want none of it. I want to release the shackles that stop me from saying what I really want to say, and I want to help others do the same.

I want to discuss, without fear of judgement, things that I have seen and done. I want to talk freely about embracing my body (and by extension my sexuality), about autonomy and doing what-ever-the-fuck-I like. I want to tear down misconceptions around Borderline Personality Disorder and psychiatric units, and I want to shine a light on those stories that don't always have a place.

I took to writing an article or two on medium, but then realised how absolutely ridiculous that was when I pay for my own space. This is not to say that I won't still post to medium, or that everything is going to become dark and dirty, or that everything I write will become contentious. What I am saying though, is the year is 2016 and I have a voice and I want to use it.

N.B - If you have a story, blog post or piece that you want to write that does not fit in with your own online space (or indeed you don't have one), please, please do email me and I'll be more than happy to offer you space to tell your story.

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WEARINGErin Veness