I might bullet point this, because there is quite a bit I want to cover and I don't want it to get lost in fluffy, wordy sentences.
I know what I'm like but first, if you want to follow on instagram feel free to follow the hashtag : #365daysofmsveness - I LINKED IT TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU.
Right, here we go campers.
- I do not like the editing.
- I'm not a fan of my shadow.
- I don't like the shapes
- I wanted to include some text, in the caption, that was profound or poetic and I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS.
- I like the simplicity.
- I do not like how close I am to one of my inspirations.
- I quite like the white wall
- I quite like theming them in weeks.
- I enjoy the contrast of dark and light, angles and curves.
- I like the lack of face (I REALLY LIKE THE LACK OF FACE)
So what do I do, firstly I am going to take so many photos I don't know what to do with them. And them I'm going to edit like mad. I have a fairly large archive that I can look into, too, for inspiration and ideas that almost worked, I think much of my 'creativity' is ideas that almost worked to be fair. I need to move, I need to experiment, I need to try.
I'm not going to try to segue this nicely, because I'm not quite able to do that today, but one of my big inspirations, for years now has been Maya Pascal, or White Voodoo. I've drawn her and been captivated by her images and tattoos and everything for a few years now.
If you're part of the community on instagram you may have come across her wonderful self-portraits, and if you've read this little space on the internet you've probably seen me post about her before.
Anyway, time for another clunky link: I made a tumblr for my 365 project, you can follow along here.
I meant to write yesterday, but I went to bed Saturday night with a headache that I woke up with Sunday, so after drinking my body weight in water and not shifting the headache I gave up and went back to bed about eleven am. Nothing like a productive day of sleeping, ay?
Today it's raining and the shoot I was supposed to be doing has been cancelled because of said rain. I understand, I do, but when all I want to do is take photographs it's frustrating. I saw a tweet the other day that mentioned the frustrations of having a plan and an idea of where you want to be but not being able to get there for *reasons*. I get that. I can't force people to pay me to take their photo, but I wish I could. I can't force people to sponsor me or buy prints (HINT HINT), but I can advertise these things. Not that I'm very good at that, I've spoken before about how it makes me feel dirty.
Anyway, I'm going to try pushing bookings for September and beyond.
In other news, the idea I spoke about last week, of photographing the homeless and street drinkers has already fallen flat on it's face. There were a group of three street drinkers hanging out outside C.A.B the other day, and when I approached them and asked if I could take their photo they promptly told me to fuck off. Pleasant. I want to ask because I don't want to fall into the habit of taking photos of people without their permission, but still. Maybe what I need to do is set two days a month aside to drink and get to know these individuals first, I'm pretty sure the pictures will be better for it.
And I know this will be the case, how do I know? Because the latest shoot I did with Grace was seamless, the photos are good and the concept worked beautifully. Thats what you get for working regularly together for about a year.
I'm not going to talk about my #Create365 here, or now, I'll create a standalone blog post for that because I have thoughts and feelings and ideas that would take away from this weekly navel-gazing.
I suppose with the day the way it is I should take the time to update and promote my internet presence. That doesn't inspire me though, and the idea of spending all day in front of my laptop listing and re-sizing is less than thrilling. I'm whinging, I'm sorry, it's 6.42 though, surely I'm allowed?
But throughout everything else, I am so lucky and I have such lovely friends. The early hours of Saturday morning were not a great time for me, I won't go into detail, thats unimportant, suffice to say that my mood was incredibly low. I came out of it though, with the distractions and love of close friends and for that I am so thankful for. Because thats what they don't tell you about living with mental illness, that you will have moments completely out of the blue that make you want to throw everything away and blow your self to nothingness. These moments, although at times few and far between (if you are lucky), are just as terrible as the first time they happened. The familiarity I have with suicidal feelings has not made it easier, in fact, I would push that in someways the familiarity makes it worse. That I am in this place again, that these feelings have not yet gone for good.
That's all that life is though, isn't it? A handful of moments and some are awful and some aren't. And, I'd like to believe, there's a beauty in the wonderful and a beauty in the breakdown.
After thinking about it for far too long I've finally taken the plunge to embark on a create 365 project. As you may know, originally started out taking self portraits last year before branching out to photograph others, so I'm going back to self portraits and exploring my body. You can follow along on twitter or instagram of course, but I'll be doing weekly round-ups here too, and including any inspiration I have too.
My self-imposed rules are quite simple, a photograph a day, my white walls used as background and any props I use must be made myself. I will hopefully decide on a hashtag for use on instagram (and twitter).
Hello, it's been awhile hasn't it? (cue singing Staind).
Here goes nothing, here goes everything. Now that I'm here I'm confused with what I'm doing, but I am trying.
It's been my 50 hour work week, this week and I spent Saturday asleep after going for breakfast. I always feel so useless when I do that, which is silly, I work nights, I have to sleep sometime. But this hustle culture makes me feel guilty if I'm not photographing or editing or pushing or doing. Saying that though, I am developing some ideas, one of which is a project 365. It's no secret that I am uncomfortable in my adult body, there's curves and hips and a feeling of large-ness that I'm sure is compounded by society. So what better way to get over that than a self portrait project for a year? It'll either work or it won't, you can follow along on instagram or you can wait for round-up posts here.
What else did I do this week? Oh I tried to create some cyanotypes, that was fun, and now I've ordered some more solution and paper and I'm crossing my fingers for some more sunlight because that's one way to keep me busy.
I've loaded up my Ricoh 500ME with some Agfa 400 Black and White, I've wanted to photograph the street drinkers and homeless around Hastings and St Leonards for awhile now, so thats what I'm hopefully starting too. I'm a little concerned that the film isn't winding on correctly but the Ricoh hasn't let me down yet.
I also set up a Patreon earlier today. If you're interested in supporting my work then this is one way of doing it, at the moment I'm doing the creation model, where if you buy a zine you get a free print, as I have about 30 zines to shift, I know I know I should sort etsy out again, but I am tired and I've always struggled to hustle and promote my bits and pieces. It always feels so dirty, it's a distinct lack of self belief and imposter syndrome. Which probably has no actual basis in reality but loom in my mind largely.
Saying that, identity issues come easy to me. As part of the BPD label. I have asked for therapy, both through Health In Mind and NHS services, but with East Sussex County Council cutting services everywhere I am not expecting any help unless I'm about to top myself. I did buy What A Time To Be Alone by The Slumflower, it'll either help or it won't, obviously I'm hoping for the helping bit. I must say though, a quick flick through and it's actually a stunning book, 10/10 would recommend for aesthetics alone.
And I almost forgot to mention that I'm included in Coastal Currents this year! I've been selected to be part of the art fair at the Stade Hall, I have an A2 print going into the show that is for sale. It'll be on between the 2nd and 13th of September, so even if you don't like what I do, it'll be worth coming down to see the other 40+ artists.
Anyway, toodle-pip fellows, I need to shower and dye my hairs.
And I pull myself together to start again.
Hi friends, it's been awhile hasn't it? I wish I had some wisdom to impart, but I can only think in soundbites and single sentences. There's so much I'm frustrated by, currently, but I am supposedly the only person who can change that. I shouldn't be blogging, I should be looking for a new job. I should be updating my portfolio or doing something that isn't sitting here throwing words into the no-space.
But what else can I do?
I am such a perfectionist and nothing feels right. My mental health wanes and I forgot who I was supposed to be, maybe.
The truth is, I never knew who I was supposed to be.